by Guest Blogger March 30, 2020

Fisting, like all good things in life, takes time, dedication and care. You need to be a communication and consent superstar - keeping your lover comfortable, relaxed and feeling sexy whilst slowly inserting one finger at a time until gifting them the full feeling of your fist.

Although anti-sex rhetoric depicting the act of fisting as inherently violent scares a lot of people off, I personally think it’s one of the most intimate and sexy acts you can experience with a lover. The feeling of being entirely ‘filled’ is such an intense, almost overwhelming type of pleasure. Watching your whole hand being consumed by a lover is one of life’s greatest joys.

As a queer slut and sex educator, I love nothing more than introducing people to the joys of fisting and breaking down the myths and misconceptions about this highly pleasurable form of penetration.

Let’s get down to basics.

There are a couple of things you need to have in order to make your fisting experience as magic as possible.

Number one is lubricant. No matter how much lube you think you need – you’ll need more. The most popular types of lube for fisting are water-based or silicone. Both types are safe to use with gloves and easy to find. I use Sliquid brand for everything I do because it’s super gentle for people with sensitive vulvas (and especially people who have undergone SRS). Water based lube is great if you’re worried about staining your sheets. If you prefer to use silicone lubricant, just throw some towels down under your partner to protect your bedding.

The next thing you need is gloves. Even if you and your partner are fluid bonded - you need to wear a glove! The hand has lots of bumps, bones, nails and edges that can all cause micro tearing, cuts and damage to the soft tissue of a vagina or anus. A well-lubed glove is always going to be smoother than a human hand and therefore slide in much more safely and easily. Plus, gloves are cheap, easy to dispose of and available in lots of colours – from sexy black to ultra femme hot pink and everything in between!

What do you need to know?

First off, fisting is not punching. It’s not violent, and it shouldn’t hurt.

Fisting is simply the act of penetrating a person finger by finger until your whole hand is inside someone. If you feel pain at any point in the process, stop immediately - have a break and decide if you want to continue or if you want to save it for another day. Remember, we’re aiming for transcendent pleasure here, not painful stretching!

The other thing to remember is that sex is never a linear process. Unfortunately, a lack of alternative sex education means many people have nothing to go on, or they rely on pornography to teach them how to get down in a safe and sexy way. But the reality is these films are fantasy packaged into neat erotic clips and don’t show the communication, laughter, stopping and starting that many sex acts require to be enjoyable for both (or all) parties.

Don’t feel like you have to go from finger to fist to orgasm without any breaks or changes. You can start and stop, use some toys, take a water break, try some oral and then go back to fisting. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t get there on the first try - the important thing is doing what is pleasurable, safe and sexy for everyone involved.

So, how do you do it?  

Full body arousal is key!

Start with lots of foreplay. Kissing, touching and generally doing all the things you and your partner(s) love to do together. Once everyone is ready to move on to genital/anal contact, start with lots of teasing and oral stimulation. Then you can start inserting one finger and teasing the G-spot or prostate.

You need to be intuitive here - move with your partner, make lots of eye contact and most importantly, verbally check in with your partner throughout. There’s nothing sexier than hearing someone tell you just how much they need your fingers inside them or how great you make them feel, so don’t be shy to ask them to guide you along the way.

Keep gradually adding more fingers until you have four fingers inside of your partner. Every time you think you have enough lube - add more!

Fisting is all about multi-tasking, so don’t forget the other erogenous zones. We want lots of stimulation around the thighs, the clitoris, the nipples, the ass..

A great tip to help maintain your partners' arousal is having them use a vibrator on either their clit or their perineum. If they have a few orgasms while you are increasing your digital penetration that is going to make inserting your whole fist a lot easier.

When your partner is ready for you to move from four fingers to full-on fisting, make a slight wedge shape with your hand. Your partner's body will naturally pull you inside of them with slight suction. Never push your hand! If you have to push - your partner isn’t ready yet.

Once you’re inside, make super small movements only. One of the best things about fisting is how intense everything feels, so keep in mind that less is more.

How do you safely end the session?

Take your time removing your fist, gently easing your wrist out.

Once out, I recommend immediately putting your palm flat on your partners vulva or around the anus, cupping the genitals. This provides a gentle pressure to ease the throbbing sensations your lover will most likely be experiencing.

Finally, never forget the aftercare. You’ve been through a really intense sexual experience together. Be a good lover by asking your partner what you can do to make them feel good afterwards (it might be talking, cuddling, making out, or something else).

Congratulations superstar, you’ve reached fisting Nirvana!

- Dion De Rossi

 Dion De Rossi is a sexual empowerment coach and queer porn performer currently studying with the Sexological Bodywork Institute in Berlin. They are passionate about helping people of all genders connect with their bodies and desires through bodywork, sex positive workshops and film. When they aren’t busy working their hobbies include reading, writing and spending their income on manicures and bougie sex toys.


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