Hey, Listen! Sex Toys are Neutral

Today's Guest Post is from Navi.

The guy is on top of me, and I have my legs up high, holding my feet. He has one of those incredible dicks – the kind that isn't too big, and has a slight upward curve to it. It feels amazing. It's clear we're both having a great time. I'm close, but his rhythm isn't quite perfect, and I know that if I reach over to my bedside drawer and grab my We-Vibe Touch, the extra stimulation will have me calling out to the holy Sky Daddy in less than thirty seconds.

The problem is that I don't know him.

Don't get me wrong – I know his name. I know what he does for work. I know that he prefers a dry cider over a beer. But I don't really know him. It's hard to discuss in-depth sexual preferences over a few drinks on a first Tinder date that goes really well, y'know?

When I was in a relationship at 20 years old, my then-boyfriend used to get offended when I masturbated. He didn't understand why I'd want to do that when he was there. He certainly didn't understand that I've been getting myself off since I discovered my clitoris, and that nobody knows my body better than myself.

Now that I am older, I would tell him to go fuck a gently warmed up rockmelon, because he wouldn't be getting my pussy anytime soon.

But at that younger age, I wasn't sure how to defend myself. I didn't have the words to tell him that it was okay that sometimes I wanted pleasure that was just for myself. Or that it was okay to use toys that got me off, because they aren't positive or negative - they just are. They are tools to be used.

My masturbation said nothing about his character or his sexual prowess.

Whilst I've now grown past the girl who fumbled over those words, a part of me still understands the fragility of this conversation. There are people who see sex toys as a slight. Why would you need that vibrator when they are obviously so very skilled in the bedroom? Heaven forbid you should know your own buttons and exactly how to push them

I think the conversation about toys is easier in a long-term relationship, or a friends with benefits relationship, or any relationship that has the potential to extend past an evening. But if it's just a one night stand, or a bit of fun, what do you do? Should you deny yourself pleasure in the interest of protecting an ego?

In my opinion? Fuck no.

Breathlessly, I asked the guy on top of me if he'd slow down a second, and whether he minded if I grabbed my vibe to take things to the next level. He paused, hovering over me, and shook his head; no, he didn't mind. Go ahead. In fact, he thought it was hot, and the powerful little toy sent shockwaves up his shaft as well as my clit. We both got the ending we deserved, and all it took was a little bravery and directness.

If you ask this pivotal question and the person you are with falls silent, or is uncomfortable, or refuses you, my advice to you is pretty clear - don't fuck them again. You can get yourself off just fine, and honestly, it's their loss.

I bet you look amazing when you come.

-Navi

Navi is from Western Australia and is passionate about mental health and sex. She's also not opposed to a good Curly Wurly.