Sex, Masturbation and Terrible Advice from Sex Columnists

“My girlfriend masturbates after we have sex. Why?”

This was the question posed to Pamela Stephenson Connolly, a psychotherapist who specialises in sexual disorders and moonlights as a sex columnist for The Guardian. The puzzled reader continues, “I have been in a relationship for nine months. I thought the sex was good for us both, but when we finish she tells me to shower. I wondered why, and now I know – she masturbates. She has done it multiple times; I think she is insatiable. What should I do?”

Stephenson Connolly responds to this two-part question, and you could read her response in full over at The Guardian, but if you are short on time or patience, allow me to paraphrase:

“Your girlfriend is fully satisfied with your sex life but likes to enjoy a second orgasm after fucking you because she is so deeply aroused by the events that just occurred and doesn’t want to take up more of your precious time, so don’t give it another thought and just be pleased with how studly you are, you big studly stud muffin.”

What was most egregious about this advice is that Stephenson Connolly doesn’t point out that perhaps, rather than being some insatiable orgasm monster, this reader's girlfriend is one of many women who do not experience an orgasm during partnered sexual activity. In fact, not only is this a distinct possibility, but it is statistically likely.

The reader “thought the sex was good for both us.” I think this is key to understanding the true issue here. Thinking the sex was good for all involved doesn’t make it so. Asking your partner if the sex was good is a much better way to find out if the sex was good. However, asking “was that good for you?” and getting a yes response still doesn’t tell us anything about whether or not she had an orgasm during sex. It seems to me that both the reader and Stephenson Connolly are conflating the two and getting nowhere.

Let’s be clear on this: We can have great sex without orgasm, and we can orgasm during terrible sex. Conflating orgasm and enjoyment of sex is not accurate, nor is it useful. And just as asking your partner if the sex was good for them will get you an answer for that specific question, asking your partner if they had an orgasm is the clearest way to find out if they had an orgasm.

“I think she is insatiable” laments the reader, implying his girlfriend of nine months' lustful urges could never be satisfied. He wonders what he should do..

“Do nothing” instructs Stephenson Connolly, to the dismay of sex educators and unsatisfied women in heterosexual relationships everywhere. We read on through our fingers, our faces contorted with horror at the terrible advice pouring out of the screen. “You[’re] lucky that she is so aroused by you” insists Stephenson Connolly. What could have been a teachable moment has instead been reduced to ego-stroking.

But what if instead of being advised to do nothing, this reader was encouraged to communicate with his girlfriend? What if he was given the tools to do this with empathy, curiosity and compassion?

Instead of making like an ostrich and doing nothing (and knowing nothing), we can choose to be vulnerable and open in our communication, and in doing so, we open the door for our partners to be vulnerable and open in return. This can pave the way to greater intimacy and trust in our relationships, and to a more mutually satisfying and better understood sex life.

In the specific case of the Guardian Reader, openly communicating with his girlfriend may allow him to discover that his girlfriend’s desire is more responsive than spontaneous and more time tending to her growing arousal is required. Or perhaps his technique isn’t gelling with her body and it might be time to experiment with some other methods of stimulation. Or perhaps, she is actually chasing a second (and third, and fourth, and fifth..) orgasm and it’s time for y’all to invest in some robust sex toys to enjoy that ride together.

But whatever you do, promise me you won’t turn to Pamela Stephenson Connolly for advice - it might make you feel better to be told you are a studly stud muffin, but it won't make you a better lover.